Posts Tagged ‘marriage’
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Don’t Let it End Stop My Divorce
If you are going through that terrible time when you love feels like is coming to an end and you find yourself pleading, “Someone, please stop my divorce!” you aren’t alone. There are many who have gone through it and saved their marriage and plenty who didn’t but found themselves happy again afterward. There are things that you can do to help stop a divorce or correct problems before they get to that point.
First realize, though, that as much as you may want to save your relationship you may not be able to. Make sure that you prepare yourself mentally for any possible outcome. This isn’t thinking pessimistically, it is being realistic which is what you need to be.
Make use of family therapy or seek out marriage counselors. They have been well trained and have lots of experience helping people go through these times. Even if there is adultery involved, they will be able to help. Many marriages have been brought back from the edge because of counseling and therapy. They are accustomed to dealing with infidelity between spouses, depression, or any other things that stress a relationship to the point of divorce. Marriage counseling doesn’t have to be expensive, there are plenty of good choices for you to use to get good relationship advice before you see a divorce lawyer.
One thing that you can learn not to do that may help stop your divorce before you ever get an attorney involved is don’t argue. Arguing will only make the situation worse. You can try calling it reasoning or what ever but the truth is you are trying to force them to feel differently than they do. If you are serious and you want to “stop my divorce” then realize that your battle is against your separation, not your spouse. The more you argue with them and try to point out where they are wrong the more they will be wrong in your mind.
Don’t try to defend yourself. You may be right, but don’t try to convince them of that. Find the truth in their argument and agree with that. The more you can agree with the things they say, the more they will be right. This will only make them see that you are willing to do what you want them to do, see your side of the story. If you are willing to be honest and accept what they are trying to say then they will more likely be open to listening to your side. Marriage counseling is great at helping you understand how to communicate better if you really want to “stop my divorce.”
This is only one part of the things that you can do to help when you are wanting someone to help you “stop my divorce”. Quit talking about it and start acting on it. Your marriage will only have a chance to survive if you are willing to act.
mixeyblob
http://www.articlesbase.com/divorce-articles/dont-let-it-end-stop-my-divorce-766241.html
My Gay Ex-husband
Remember when the governor of New Jersey announced he was gay? I sure do. I remember smiling ruefully to myself when I heard people talking aboutthe scandal and asking, How could his wife not know? Can you imagine being married to someone and not knowing hes gay? Yep, I can because it happened to me. I dontmindtelling people about this because I somehow feel it gives me a free pass for a failed marriage. Therewas no we just grew apart orwe wanteddifferent things excuses. Nope. Imarried a gay guy. Not my fault. Except when you consider thatI was, how shouldI say this?, STUPID enough to marry a gay guy in the first place. By way of explanation, let me just say this. My ex, whom I will refer to asJared, was more the Rock Hudson type of gayrather than the Liberace sort. It wasnt like he was into decorating or Broadway show tunes. He did like ballet, though, maybe that should have been a clue.These days when he comes over to the house to pick up the girls wearing Bermuda shorts and socksand sandals, Ilook at him and say to myself, You are sooo gay. How did I miss that?Back when he was still in the closet heplayed the part ofthe straight, ex-highschool football heropretty convincingly and I and everyone else was fooled. And to answer the most often unasked question, yes, we did have sex. No problems there, so you can see, I really had no idea.
Jared and I met in 1987 at a Christmas party my roommate and I were throwing at ourapartment.He was her guest. They worked together. He seemed like a nice, genuine guy who wore T-shirts and jeans and watched sports. At the time I had been having a lot of short-term romances with playboy types who strung me along with promises of trips to Jamaica and then dumped me with no notice. My current beau fit the profile, but hadnt arrived yet, so Jared and I struck up a conversation about just exactly how did the guy who played Latke on Taxi die, (we learned we were both obscure trivia buffs)when my date showed up and whisked me away. Two weeks later the lothario stopped calling and I swore off dating forever. I was 26 and decided that marriage and children were just not going to happen for me. Little did I know. I concentrated on my career asa rising fashion industry starand embraced 80s VCR technology.
Sometime around spring I decided it was time to venture out into the dating world again. I informed my roommate, who responded excitedly that Jared was still available, hadjust gotten his own apartment and really liked me. I was making chocolate chip cookies at the time and gave her some to give tohimatwork. A few days later he called and we went out ondate. I liked him a lot, thought he was really nice,but did not get those nervous butterflies in my stomach, which I reasoned at the time was a good thing. It was the butterflies that had gotten me into so much trouble in the past. I didnt feel that instant chemistry, but decided to wait it out until I did because I knew Jared was a nice, decent guy. A mensch, not a chump and all my friends liked him. After a month of dating I really fell for him and thought, This is what love is supposed to feel like calm. Not insecure or nerve wracking. After 9 months of dating, we got engaged (at the ballet) and 9 months after that we were married. The first two yearswe lived the 80s yuppie, pre-kids lifestyle. We indulged our hobbies of dining out, browsing bookstores and going to movies.
In November of 92 Jared got recruited by a high tech company in California and wewere moved from the East coast to the West to start a new life. At the same time I got pregnant with Sophia. There were a lot of changes in our lives and the accompanying stress that goes with them.Jared became a work-a-holic which was kind of typical of the high tech boom in the early 90s. Something wasnt right in my marriage, but I couldnt put my finger on it. I shrugged it off to the hectic life with small children. When Eva was born in 96 I quit my job to stay home, which only made Jared spend more time at work. Because I was now with the kids full time, I looked to him more to give me breaks with the girls. Instead, he worked 6 days a week and slept til noon on Sundays. We never did anything as a family. Forget vacations. I would have settled for help with the laundry. With our family all on the East Coast I spent a lot of time alone. I look back on those years and I dont know how I survived. As a kid my dad was never an active participant in our family and I regretted that. I began to see the affects Jareds absence had on thegirls and it made me very sad. One year on Jareds birthday, Sophia sat on the front porch with his gift on her lap and he never came home.
Why did I put up with thisfor so long? I was afraid of the alternative. Being the eternal optimist that I am, I looked on the bright side. I enjoyed my children and was grateful that I could afford to stay home and spend so much time with them. I looked for diversions and decided I needed a bigger house with a large yard so we could have a dog. We bought a minivan. I dont know why Jared agreed to it because he told me later the trappings of a middle class lifestyle put him over the edge. A bigger house, a bigger mortgage. He was screaming inside. He feltimprisoned in a marriage he should never have been in and became more and more distraught and desperate. He coped by working, his only escape.
Shortly after our move to the new house, Jared and I were barely speaking. He left for work before the girls got up for school and came home after they were in bed. He refused the warmed dinners I saved for him saying he had already eaten atthe office. I knew something was seriously wrong with him and kept prodding him for explanations and answers. He would push me away and tell me I was imagining things and to leave him alone. Around the same time Sophia was diagnosed with a learning disability and needed a lot of my attention. I was exhausted all the time and did not know what to do about my marriage so I did nothing. I think I went months without even looking in Jareds direction, until one day I saw him get out of the shower and was shocked to see that he was dangerously thin. Jared was always a slender guy with a small build. Six feet tall he usually weighed around 155 lbs. I could see the bones sticking out of his ribcage. I exclaimed, Oh my God, you are so thin! What is wrong with you? and demanded he get on the scale and he did. He weighed 128 lbs. He admitted to me that he thought he was anorectic, but he wouldnt explain why. I told him he needed to get counseling and he agreed and even ate some breakfast. I was encouraged by his admission, yet very troubled. After he left for work I got on the Internet to research anorexia in men and found an article that offered two explanations. The firstone I immediately discounted and scoffed at. Anorexia in men is caused by the suppression of latent homosexual tendencies. Ridiculous. My husband is not gay. I readon. The second reason seemed more likely. Repressed memories and hostilitiesas a result of an authoritarian father.That had to be it. Of course, growing up in the sixties, who didnt have an authoritarian father? Armed with my new knowledge, I decided to approach Jared that evening. Instead we had a big fight about something and he went to bed. I stayed up stewing and watching stupid TV shows. Something told me I had to confront him. I had to know. I went into the bedroom, sat on his side of the bed and woke him up. I told him, Jared, I am your wife. You have to tell me what is bothering you. I dont care what it is. This is eating us both up. Tell me. I have to know. At first he said nothing. Tears started to stream down his face and his body was shuddering and rocking slightly. Softly, he started repeating these words over and over again. I just want to be happy. I just want to be happy. I just want to be happy. It was at that moment that it hit me like a ton of bricks. I remembered what I read on the Internet. Hes gay. So I asked him, Jared, are you gay? (He told me later he could not believe I had guessed.) As if the words were coming from the bowels of his being, for the first time in his life he admitted to someone, me, his wife, that he was gay. It was as if he were speaking in slow motion and under water. Would you hate me if I told you that I think I am bisexual? I was so relieved to finally know that I wept too. No, I dont hate you, I love you. I assured him. I promised to help him and to stick by him. I knew that night my marriage was over, but I could not admit it to myself. The girls were little, I hadnt worked in years and he was a basket case. I threw myself into my plan to get him well. I started the next day stuffing him with high calorie smoothies and calling around for referrals for therapists. Jared told me later that if I had not come in force the truth out of him he would most likely have killed himself the next day. That was his plan. I know now that he was having a nervous breakdown.
For the next two years we clung to the hope that somehow we could make our marriage work. Jared considered himself bi-sexual, and by marrying me he was simply making a choice. During the first two years of our marriage he was fine with his decision. It was when I got pregnant with Sophia that he started to feel confined and panicked. Once everything was out in the open and we both sought counseling, we explored all of the thoughts, issues, conflicts and struggles he was feeling. I read books, searched the Internet and consulted experts in the field. One of the most significant things I learned, and probably the greatest source of confusion and controversy regardinghuman sexuality, is thatsome people, not all, but some, have varying levels of homosexuality and/or heterosexuality in their makeup. While some people, like myself, have no doubts about their sexual orientation. I have always known that I am straight. Likewise, there are gay people who havesimilar certainties of their homosexual orientation. However, there are those, like Jared, who are not so sure andare unfortunately therefore so conflicted. This uncertainty coupled with the social construct opposing homosexuality is what closets so many people.
After two years of feeling like I was walking on eggshells, always watching Jared to make sure he was OK, of meeting his needs and not my own, I decided I needed more. I needed to be either with a man who wanted to be with me or to be alone. It was a difficult decision and one that was long overdue. The tipping point came at one of our final visits to see our marriage counselor.The counselorsuggested that we settle on some kind of arrangement, in which we would agree to time apart andI would simply look the other way while Jared went off on some gay Club Med trip. Thisapparently works for some people. Not for me. With tears streaming down my face I made a vow to myself that I deserved better and I would find it.
After twelve years of marriage, two children and a relocation across the country,Jared and I ended our marriage, but not our family. I was determined to keep my dignity and composure and to have a positive divorce. We told the kids in February of 2002. It was Black history month and the girls were learning about segregation in school. I used that backdrop to make the comparison of discrimination against gay people. I explained to the girls that Daddy was gay. Because we live in a very liberal community where there are lots of gay couples, the girls knew that some people of the same sex are happier being together. However, not everyone is accepting of gay people which is why their father kept his feelings a secret for so long. I told them that because we love Daddy we want him to be happy and we have to let him find what is going to make him happy. At first they were worried they would not get to see their father very often. They both have friends whose parents were divorced and the dads had moved out of the area. I assured them they could see their father whenever they wanted to and they do. Although the children live primarily with me they see their father every day when he takes them to school.
About six months after Jared moved out, he met Keith, his life partner to whom he is now married. Shortly after, it was Jareds birthday. I suggested to Jared that he invite Keith to our house for dinner. I did this for the girls to show an act of solidarity and to give my approval. I wanted the girls to know that is was OK to welcome Keith into their lives. I never wanted them to feel like they had to choose sides or feel guilty about liking him. I also didnt want them to worry about me.
The morning of his birthday, Jared met the girls and me at our country club to go swimming. As I watched Jared rough house with the girls in the pool, tossing them in the air and playing Marco Polo, I realized I had never seen him so happy. During our marriage, when I could get him to come with us to the pool, he often sat on the sidelines reading a book, retreating into himself. When I saw how delighted the girls were with his attention, Iknew that I made the right decision. I sacrificed my marriage, so that my children could have a father.
Later, Keith arrived at the house with gifts in hand for me and the girls. While I got dinner started, Keith and Jared played hopscotch and jumprope outside with the girls. Later, Jared wrote me a lovely thank you email telling me how much he appreciated my generosity and that it was the best birthday he ever had.
Was I always so amicable and giving? No. There were several times I felt such incredible anger and resentment toward Jared that I could have clocked him. I spend many mornings sobbing in the shower. Jared, because of his guilt I guess, put up with a lot of my tirades and sarcastic barbs until one day he asked me point blank, How long are you going to punish me? Ill give you twenty years and then after that the statute of limitations runs out and you have to forgive me. He was sounded like he was joking, but I knew he was serious. I realized at that moment that I was only hurting myself and if the girls sensed my feelings, they would suffer too. I decided from that point on to take stock in my life and acknowledge whatwas good. I had two wonderful daughters, a beautiful home (which I got to keep in the divorce settlement), I lived in a beautiful place and I had the talent, intelligence andperseverance to start over.
Why didJared marry me you wonder? I asked him the same question. His answer, besides the fact that he loved me, was that he wanted a family and a conventional lifestyle.When we separated he did right by me and the kids. He gave me the house, paid very generous child and spousal support so I could continue to stay homewith the girls while I figured out what I wanted to do since I hadnt worked in a while.At the time of our divorce, an acquaintance of mine from my kids school was also getting a divorce. Her husband left her for another woman and moved to Brazil, but only after he drained their bank accounts. Since he was self-employed he was able to hide his assets and income. She, like me, had been a stay-at-home mom with three kids. Her car was repossessed and her landlord evicted her for non-payment of rent. She was forced to go on public assistance. Now I ask you, which man, my ex-husband or hers, had better family values?
Although I have no regrets about marrying Jared, I know that if he had felt the freedom to live as an openly gay person, who had the rights to marry and have children, we would never have gotten married. This brings me to the topic of same sex marriage and the general acceptance of homosexuality. We, as compassionate and reasonable people have to dispel this notion that it is wrong to be gay, that homosexuality is a disease that has to be cured or prevented. It is not. Nor is it a choice. It just is. Accept it.By doing so you would save others from experiencing the pain and unhappiness we have had to endure as the result of societys discrimination against homosexuality.
To read more about my life as a newly remarried mom with two kids and three step kids, check out my blended family blog at: www.shwanda.com
Carol Shwanda
http://www.articlesbase.com/parenting-articles/my-gay-exhusband-723798.html
Keys to Saving Your Marriage
We all recognise that when two people take their vows of marriage and commit to one another, they do it hoping it is forever. However, sometimes, things change causing things to undermine that intention. If you are trying to work on saving your marriage due to some type of dishonesty or infidelity, your initial focus should be on rebuilding the trust in your marriage. This is vital to finding your way back to initial stength in the relationship that was the glue that will held your marriage together.
Trust happens to be the foundation of a marriage. Without it, the marriage will have a difficult time surviving. It is important to remember in times of marital strife what it is that you love so much about your partner. Reminiscing about the endearing qualities of your partner, and the good times you have had together, can help motivate you to work towards rebuilding your marriage.
It’s important to recognise, before anything that both parties are committed on saving the relationship and marriage. Without complete commitment from both parties, sadly any chance of reconciliation is likely doomed. You both have to want it before you can both start to work towards keeping it.
Saving your marriage will take time and effort. Exactly how much effort and time really depends on your specific circumstances. Below are some tips that can help you in your journey.
Tip #1: Commit to the idea that you will either forgive your spouse, or you will forgive yourself for what has happened to break down the marriage. Neither of you will likely forget what the other person has done, but it is important that you forgive so that you can move on from the past and start rebuilding trust.
Tip #2: Be open and honest about your feelings with one another. Seeking counselling for the benefit of mediation would most likely be the best solution. This way you can both more easily keep an eye on your emotional control as you endeavour to work through the rough spots.
Tip #3: Be responsible for your actions. During the process of saving your marriage, if you say or do something hurtful or inconsiderate, then make sure you own up to it, and make amends. Otherwise, you are only creating more issues that can undermine the marriage.
The process of working to save your marriage is not going to be straightforward or easy. However, if it is worth it to you both, then you and your partner will commit to working towards getting to a better place, where trust and respect are renewed.
Steve Mitchell
http://www.articlesbase.com/home-and-family-articles/keys-to-saving-your-marriage-741085.html
Save My Marriage Today Premium Home Study Course
Recently, I ran into Andrew Rusbastch, the online hosts of the new save my marriage today premium home study course; it presented me an opportunity to review the product. Naturally, I am always skeptical about new products due their hype and aggressive style of marketing.
By the time I had finished, I was hooked! I realized for the first time, that this Premium course really delivers what it says it does. This course would be really helpful for couples with all sorts of matrimonial difficulties. In fact, even couples in good marriages can learn something from this. Hey, I thought I knew it all and even I learnt something, so I thought I would share my thoughts about this great new product with you too. This is something every couple should see and I would hate you to miss out.
Is your marriage affected by money problems? Hear what Clinical Psychologist Richard Wheeler has to say about money issues and what the best approach of dealing with it. You have come to the right place for answers to your financial and relationship problems.
Are you or your partner falling out of love? Learn why this feeling happens and how to resolve it. Pay attention to what Andrew has to say about the key stages of relationships that you must know about.
Is your marriage falling apart and you are feeling powerless? Find out how your reactions can directly influence the outcome of your marriage. Expand on the knowledge acquired in the course and apply it through one of the 5 study guides.
Is anger and conflict tearing you two apart? Get the answers covering ways to express your feelings and turn it into something positive. Clinical Psychologist Richard Wheeler pinpointed how this can be a learning experience for both partners in the relationship.
Is your marriage disturbed by addiction issues? If it is gambling, alcohol, drugs or chemical substance, or internet addiction, there is over an hour and a half of tips, key strategies, and myth-busters to guide you and your partner through identification and treatment of the addiction and on the path to recovery.
Have your partner cheated on you? Get advice for dealing with infidelity and key strategies for reuniting; and dealing with your relationship issues right now. Heed the panel discussion or apply the information to your relationship using the infidelity study guide and transcripts.
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Is the honeymoon over? It does not have to be the end of your marriage. The Save My Marriage Today Premium Home Study Course has answers to all the major relationship issues. Ascertain where you are in the relationship life cycle, ways to overcome the negativity and give details the change in the relationship.
Andrew’s home study course helps over 2 million couples every year in dealing with their relationship problems and how their misconceptions and attitudes can help shape a recovery or add to their ordeal.
Blessed Paul Nwogwugwu
Marriage Infidelity – Secrets to Beating a Cheating Husband!
You wake up one day and your marriage is shattered because your husband just dropped the nuclear, infidelity bomb on you! Turns out hes been having an affair for months. You knew that your relationship wasnt exactly a magical one, but you never expected him to cheat on you! And, what complicates the painful emotional crisis even further is the fact that he wont stop his behavior, nor does he want a divorce! Ironically, he claims that he still loves you! Your emotions are running rampant at this point, and you have been thrust into a painful state of confusion! Your thinking; how could he hurt and betray me like that? Why doesnt he want a divorce? How could he still love me? Is there still hope for our marriage? What should I do?
Well, the first thing you should do is step back from the situation, remove your self, and take a few deep breaths! The worst thing you can do is allow your emotions to drive your actions because when you do it always ends disastrously! Yes, he cheated on you! But, unless you want to pull the plug on your relationship or get a divorce, you must realize that hes in the drivers seat right now! There is a way, though, to remove him from the drivers seat! But before we get to that lets talk about.
What you shouldn’t do!
One of the very worst things that you can do is beg your husband to stop cheating on you, and continue to tell him that you love him over and over. Remember, he strayed from the marriage for a reason. And, acting from desperation will only prove that he did the right thing!
I know you want your husband to stop cheating on you, but you cant force him to change! So, trying to change his behavior by treating him to romantic dinner dates, buying him lavish gifts, giving him flowers, offering romantic gestures, or kowtowing to his beckon call will only worsen the crisis! He strayed from the marriage because his emotional needs have gone unmet, and those needs are directly related to your self-esteem and confidence. Therefore, over rowing the boat will only confirm the fact that you are not very confident!
How to Save your Marriage!
Saving your marriage is really all about change isnt it! If you could only get your partner to spend more time with you, work less often, be more understanding, more romantic, more intimate, and completely monogamous then you would have the perfect marriage! Wouldnt you? Youve probably tried to get him to change his behavior, but the harder you try the worse it seems to get! Doesnt it? The more you plead and prod the more he continues his cheating behavior! Doesnt he?
Just because your partner told you that its not his fault that he cheated, or that he blames the failing marriage on you, doesn’t mean that he cant change! As a matter of fact, he already did change!
Think about it! In the beginning of your marriage your partner was the loving, caring, and understanding person that youve always wanted, but somewhere along the line your partner changed, didnt he? Unfortunately, it wasnt in a way that contributed positively to your relationship! Therefore, he did change, and its possible for him to change again!
You see, very few women realize that the secret to beating a cheating husband is not force or manipulation but rather attraction!!!!
But, when faced with the emotional betrayal of marriage infidelity, most women act out of desperation and inadvertently make the situation worse!
The key to stopping your cheating husband in his tracks is to get to the bottom of why he strayed in the first place. Once you uncover the unmet emotional needs that are at the root of his behavior, you can swiftly remove him from the drivers seat! But, by approaching your marriage infidelity from the correct perspective you will accomplish much more than that. You can end his infidelity without even asking him to do so, and you can get him to fall hopelessly in love with you all over again!
For more information on how to Beat a Cheating Husbandclick on the linkbelow
http://www.visionquestlifecoaching.com/products2.html
Best wishes,
David Roppo
The Relationship Rehab Coach
David Roppo
http://www.articlesbase.com/marriage-articles/marriage-infidelity-secrets-to-beating-a-cheating-husband-706617.html
