Posts Tagged ‘marriage’
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Why Do Most Marriages Fail?
Roughly 50% of all marriages fail and many of those dont even make it past the first year. Understanding why these marriages fail can be key to ensuring that your own marriage does not fail. Some factors that contribute to the failure of a marriage include a lack of communication or poor communication, financial issues and even the circumstances of the marriage. All of these issues can exist in a healthy and enduring marriage but if they are not dealt with properly they can lead to the failure of the marriage.
Communication is critical to the success of a marriage. Without proper communication, conflict resolution becomes a difficult issue. If the couple lacks the communication skills necessary to resolve their problems, then even the smallest problems will become insurmountable. Communication allows a relationship to grow and thrive by giving the partners an opportunity to share their dreams, concerns, hopes and desires with each other. Without sharing in this way a couple will not grow as close together as possible. Communication also gives the couple a healthy way to resolve their arguments.
If one or both partners lack effective communications skills it becomes difficult to resolve arguments because the couple is not able to understand each others points of view.
If the marriage is already in trouble, both partners in the marriage must be dedicated to working on their communication skills in order to improve or salvage their marriage. The absence of effective communication techniques can lead to the failure of a marriage.
Love may conquer all but sometimes even love isnt enough to save a marriage when there are significant financial concerns. While financial concerns in and of themselves may not be the cause of a failed marriage the tension that financial concerns create is often the culprit in a failed marriage. Financial concerns can be a heavy burden to bear and when a couple is struggling to meet their financial obligations, there can be a tremendous amount of pressure in the relationship. This pressure may be enough to destroy an otherwise healthy marriage.
If one of the partners in the marriage becomes obsessed with the marital finances they can begin to neglect other aspects of the marriage. This neglectful behavior has the affect of making the spouse feel ignored and lonely which can be damaging to a marriage. Often one of the partners will become consumed with the financial affairs and this can be very damaging to a marriage.
Even the circumstances surrounding the marriage can lead to its failure. A marriage of convenience is often not a healthy marriage. When the decision to marry is based on something other than true love, it is likely that the marriage will fair. Some examples of marriage circumstances that often lead to failure are getting married because there is a baby on the way or because the couple is feeling pressure to get married by friends and family members. Neither of these reasons are truly valid reasons for marriage and often leads to divorce. When a couple marries for reasons other than true love the marriage is often doomed before it starts.
Marrying too young is another reason why many marriages fail. While the right age to marry varies greatly depending on the person, many people argue that the teens and early twenties are too early to get married. Getting married before you have had a chance to enjoy many of lifes experiences can result in resentfulness in the marriage and can be the cause of failure of the marriage.
Another reason why many marriages fail is that society no longer places importance on the institution of marriage. Today it is common for couples to live together and have children without being married. This degeneration of society devalues marriage and results in a higher percentage of failed marriages. With so little value placed on marriage in todays society, couples are not committed to making their marriage work and are often quick to give up on the marriage and each other.
Many marriages today are doomed before they even start. Marriage is no longer seen as a necessary step in a relationship so many couples are quick to divorce without making an honest effort to resolve their problems. Communication breakdown, financial difficulties as well as circumstances of the marriage are all problems that can cause many marriages to fail.
T J Madigan
http://www.articlesbase.com/marriage-articles/why-do-most-marriages-fail-112040.html
Improving the Odds For Successful Second Marriages
Divorce rates have long been overstated. Recent research indicates that for more educated couples who are over 25 when they marry, the rate of divorce is probably only about 30%. Even for those couples who are less educated or younger when they marry, divorce rates are less than 50%. While data for second marriages is currently very limited, the early indication is that the frequently stated 60% divorce rate is also a gross exaggeration and that divorce rates for second marriages may not be any higher than for first marriages. However, regardless of the statistics, it is also very clear that much anxiety is embedded in the decision to remarry. Most divorced individuals feel they have “failed” at marriage once and are usually terrified at the thought that they might “fail” again. What follows are some suggestions on how to improve the likelihood that the choice of a second partner is more likely to work out than the first choice did.
Understanding why the first marriage ended in divorce:
This is a critical step for each person going through a divorce and is one reason why I strongly recommend divorce counseling even when there is no desire or possibility of staying together. There is much to learn from analyzing why you married each other and what led to experiencing a loss of trust, companionship, and love (assuming the marriage had that foundation to begin with). Sometimes it was a mismatch right from the beginning but more often there was a genuine sense of being in love and an experience of being best friends and lovers. What happened to change that? The answers to that question will provide valuable insight about what personal issues you may need to work out as well as what you need to be looking for in a new partner.
There are so many possible reasons why a relationship falls apart that I can’t possibly cover all of them in a short article. But some issues are definitely more common than others. Probably the most common is the underlying feelings of inadequacy, shame or guilt that we all carry to some degree. If these feelings are either especially strong or just more than we can adequately manage, it will result in distrust (expectation of being rejected and/or abandoned if your partner really gets to know you) and patterns of marital behavior that push your partner away whenever increased intimacy threatens to reveal your “badness.” If issues with intimacy sabotaged your first marriage, they will likely do the same to your second one unless you have worked on reducing them.
A successful marriage requires negotiating a series of challenges. These are effectively described and discussed in Judith Viorst’s excellent book, “Grown-Up Marriage” (2003). I will just note a few of them here: shifting from idealizing your partner (thinking you are marrying the “good parent”) to being able to accept the faults and foibles of your partner; learning to disengage from each family of origin (in-law problems!); the ability to adjust to the arrival of children (changes in roles and expectations); being able to adjust to the inevitable personal changes of one or both partners (we should be evolving over the course of our lives and our needs and behaviors are likely to change with time). A successful marriage requires a constant process of adaptation to the changes, both expected and unexpected, that are absolutely going to take place. Rigidity in the face of these demands for change is another very common reason why a marriage ends in divorce.
The more you understand about what you contributed to the marital disintegration (even when you are “certain” it is all the fault of the other person), the more likely you are to develop the skills required to have a more successful second marriage.
Don’t rush into a second marriage:
Research suggests that divorce is much more likely in a second marriage if the relationship is less than a year old. This is one of those situations where the stereotype may be more fact than fiction. I am referring to what is commonly called a rebound relationship and the popular perception that this is a no-no. Well, most likely it is. For men, it is often driven by an extreme discomfort with being alone; for women, that is also a factor but greater financial security is often a key issue. However, it is men who tend to marry quicker after a divorce (and that’s not because men are more often involved in another relationship before the divorce; only about one-in-six affairs end in marriage) as they are typically seduced into thinking they are in love with someone who is willing to listen to their pain and make them feel important again.
A core of common interests:
Sure opposites attract. But over time, substantial differences in style, personality, and interests wear on a relationship. It becomes too much work as everything is a compromise and very little is truly shared joy. There needs to be a solid core of common interests that allow for an easy way to spend quality time together. In addition, it really helps if each partner is open to new experiences, even some things that may have been tried and rejected in a prior marriage (e.g., watching football, going to opera, hiking, and gardening) may be experienced more positively with a new partner. Yes, a good marriage takes work, but it shouldn’t be that hard. So much of a relationship is about fit. The more your lives naturally overlap, the easier the process of working out the rough edges.
Blending families and dealing with former spouses:
If either or both of you are bringing children from a previous marriage into this new relationship, it presents challenging issues that have been written about extensively. (I have addressed this topic in some earlier articles.) In addition, ongoing conflict with former spouses can potentially undermine a second marriage. With regard to children, one key is easing children into the new relationship and allowing sufficient time for a bond of caring to form in a natural, unforced manner. Sometimes it just won’t happen and that needs to be accepted, as difficult as that may be. Under those circumstances, the biological parent has to be clearly supportive of his/her spouse and take greater responsibility for disciplining and make sure that there is adequate time alone with the biological children (reducing the sense that the new marriage means losing one’s parent). Speaking of discipline, the non-biological spouse should not attempt to discipline the stepchildren until they virtually ask for limits to be set and reinforced. Given the challenge of blending families, I often recommend the new couple attend a stepfamily support group.
As for ongoing conflict with an ex-spouse, the new partner must try to walk the delicate line between being emotionally supportive without fanning the flames of your spouse’s anger. It becomes particularly challenging when you feel your new spouse is behaving inappropriately. Another equally challenging situation is when you feel the former relationship is intruding on creating the closeness you seek in the new marriage. This goes back to the importance of entering into the new marriage slowly and carefully, with one of the tasks to be as sure as one can that each of you has truly let go of the prior marriages.
Make sure your beliefs and values are reasonably aligned:
One major potential advantage going into a second marriage is that each partner is older, has more life experience, and should have a better idea of what is really important to them. (If your new love interest is still searching for his/her identity, best you head for the door!) Thus the role of religion in your lives, the way you deal with money, the desire for more children combined with discipline styles, the role of extended family, the role of outside interests and friendships, views on gender roles, sexual needs and preferences, and communication styles are all important issues that should be discussed in depth. It’s not simply knowing what each other’s values are but the expectations of a partner in marriage that flow from these beliefs and needs that are critical.
The more aligned you are in these areas, the easier it should be to spend the rest of your lives together. Equally important, since most couples won’t have the same perspective on all these issues, can you support the differences and work through possible conflicts. Just the ability to have honest, open discussions about these issues is a positive sign. But don’t brush off a significant difference and think it will simply work out because you love each other. That’s a major trap in first marriages, especially one that women commonly fall into, i.e., that they can fix/save a man who is bringing a significant issue into the marriage, e.g., a drinking problem or rigid expectations about women/children that don’t match yours. The issue of having more children (if one or both already have children) is a particularly sensitive issue that may get glossed over.
Money issues are another major source of conflict. By now you should each have some sense of whether you spend too much or try to hold on to every penny. Of particular importance is the issue of control over finances. I happen to believe that, in most marriages, money should be “ours”, not his and hers, regardless of whether there is a primary earner or two relatively equal careers. I know this is sometimes difficult when there are child support monies involved and it may be easier to keep certain monies separate. For some couples who are older and have established careers and are used to being financially independent, it may be very hard to think of “our monies” and feel like you have to account for your spending/saving patterns. But I perceive this as part of marital intimacy and commitment. Sharing assets as one is consistent with sharing life as one.
Regardless of what the money arrangements are, it is important that there be honesty about finances. Some have coined the term “financial infidelity” to describe spouses who hide their spending/investing from their partner. Research has indicated one-in-four couples were guilty of such indiscretions. Obviously such dishonesty is bound to become a serious source of conflict and distrust that will threaten the marital relationship. So, like with other issues mentioned in this article, it is about openness, about trusting your partner enough to be honest about what you are doing as well as what you value and believe in.
Concluding thought:
From your previous marital experience you should be very conscious of the fact that whatever you may believe, value, or need at the start of this second marriage, neither of you nor your relationship is some static arrangement that remains unchanged over time. Just because you are aligned at the start obviously doesn’t mean you will stay that way over time. By establishing a pattern of talking openly about these issues at the beginning it increases the likelihood of that you will continue to discuss and explore changes that take place over time and, if you are able to maintain respect for each other as well as an ability to talk through important issues, your chance of a successful second marriage is quite good.
Kalman Heller
http://www.articlesbase.com/marriage-articles/improving-the-odds-for-successful-second-marriages-744577.html
How to Win Back the Cheating Husband
How to Win Back the Cheating Husband
If you want to learn how to win back the cheating husband, we will share with you some tips and strategies to help you. It can be very demoralizing to discover that your husband you gave your time, love, commitment and trust suddenly shattered all because of a few minutes of pleasure. You will definitely feel betrayed by the one you thought loved you as much.
If you want to win back your cheating husband, do not cause a scene in public to demonstrate his shameful acts. Remain calm and behave as if nothing happened. If you shout and wail and abuse your husband in public, people will only laugh and jeer at you. You may even drive your husband further away. Your husband will use your behavior as an excuse to stay away from home. “You see, my wife is the violent type. She may harm me when I get home!” You must take control of your emotions.
It is normal to feel hurt and angry when your husband cheats on you. In every relationship, there will be misbehavior! The success of any marriage is dependent on how both parties decide to handle any misbehavior. You should be able to speak to your husband’s spirit to find out what went wrong. Do not speak to his emotions because emotions do not move men.
If your husband understands the gravity of his sin and asked for forgiveness, do not allow the issue to drag on for too long. Develop the heart to forgive him especially if your husband has repented of his adultery and is asking for your forgiveness. Do not harbor the pains and resentment for too long, agree to forgive him and save your marriage.
I know it may be difficult for you to rebuild the broken trust, but you must first learn to forgive. To forgive the cheating husband is difficult than trusting the cheating husband, but you cannot trust until you agree to blot out the sins of your husband from your memory.
You must learn to be compassionate and forgiving. Anyone can stray from the path and once we realize our wrongs and are willing to change, we must forgive because we are not all perfect as long as we are human beings.
You should open the door for reconciliation and forgiveness in order to win back the cheating husband. I know you will receive advice from those who could not make their marriage to work to divorce your husband, do not listen to such advice. Once you have made the decision to reconcile and transform your marriage, you should immediately seek advice from many reputable sources on how to win back the cheating husband.
One thing you can do to win back the cheating husband is to visit a Christian marriage counselor, who may help you and your husband to learn better ways of communicating effectively. You could also search for proven techniques that can help you win back the cheating husband and foster better and long lasting friendship again.
There is a particular resource I will be glad to recommend to you. This particular resource has helped more then 6,000 people stop their marriage from divorce or break up in more amazing ways that can be imagined.
You can make your husband to partake in social activities with you and help foster the new bond of unity. One way of doing this is to join a church and faithfully attend worship services, Bible study and other weekly classes together. Here you will receive sound biblical teaching about the need to avoid divorce and learn better ways of forgiveness and building a strong marriage.
The healing process may be slow and it could be faster depending on your mindset and from whom you take advice. If you take advice from someone without any sound evidence and track record of building a successful marriage, you will not be able to save your marriage.
This is the time you must clear your head, open your mind and forget everything your husband has done to you. Learn the simple technique to win back your husband and shame all those already rejoicing that your marriage has finally come to an end.
Find out how you can transform your failing marriage to a happy and successful one in 2 days. Decide today to continue to love your husband no matter what. Divorce can be very expensive and emotional. We sometimes seek advice from the wrong sources and people who may also be having problems with their spouses or even cheating on their spouses.
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You will also learn how to reverse the situation if you have already done those things that should NEVER be done.
kanetohman
http://www.articlesbase.com/dating-articles/how-to-win-back-the-cheating-husband-737937.html
Doubts, Worries And Fears Shake Relatonships
DOUBT is a number one problem that will shake a relationship. How can you say you love someone if you doubt him? How can you be assured of your partner’s love if he in turn doubts you?
Love is Truth. If you love someone, you must be true and open to that person from the start. However, it’s sad to know many people are afraid to be open – for fear of being rejected. This has created problems on how to save a marriage when the partner finds out that the other wasn’t honest. It is always important to be truthful to your partner to remove doubts.
It is important to communicate constantly with one another to build trust. And if mistakes have been made, it is also equally important to say it and believe in the love of the other. Inconvenienced being marriage troubles like hiding mistakes will not solve the problem but even create one resulting the need on how to save a marriage.
WORRIES is another element that can shake a relationship. If you’re worried all the time, this will affect your partner and the atmosphere between you and the family. The purpose in marriage is to have a peaceful and harmonious relationship. Therefore, the opposite of worry is peace.
It is important to discuss what you are worried about with your spouse because he or she might be able to help, comfort or solve whatever is bothering you.
Don’t put the burden on you by trying to solve all the problems by yourself especially on how to save a marriage.
FEAR of making mistakes and failures in marriage can also shake the relationship. We have heard spouses who are afraid to share their mistakes because they may get rejected or even to the point of getting punished. Why is that so?
Perhaps from the start, they were not able to build a strong relationship of openness with one another. Where there is love between two spouses, there should be no fear. However due to human nature, even if fear may arise, love can go beyond inconvenienced being marriage troubles in order to maintain the relationship with the assurance of forgiveness from the love of the other.
One important way to help to overcome doubts, worries and fears is prayer. With prayer, one’s faith and love will be strengthened.
Then keep yourself busy with good activities. Continue to love the person next to you, perhaps your spouse or your children or a neighbor. This way, you will forget about yourself.
Read good and positive books to remove negative thoughts and be surrounded by happy and positive friends who share happy thoughts.
Doubts, worries and fears can truly shake a relationship. Think of how to save a marriage. They may not disappear overnight but what is important is to make that decision to overcome inconvenienced being marriage troubles that can damage your relationship because definitely you would want to have a happy and peaceful marriage.
Ted And Christine Segura
http://www.articlesbase.com/automotive-articles/doubts-worries-and-fears-shake-relatonships-73030.html
When Your Wife Wants a Divorce and You Don’t
The first thing you need to do is assess the situation you are in and make sure that you truly want to save the marriage. You wife wants a divorce for a reason and that reason may or may not be known to you. If you do know the reason, think about whether it is something you can get passed or not. A lot of times people try and save their marriage ‘for the kids’ but this is a bad idea. The reason for that is that it does the children no good if the parents are constantly fighting. In order to save your marriage, you must truly want to be married to your wife and you must be able to look passed and get over the ‘reason’ why your wife wants a divorce.
If you have decided that you can forgive and get passed the reason you are ready to start saving your marriage. What you need to do first is to simply tell your wife that you are ready to save the marriage and that is your main goal. When it comes to divorce, most couples talk about lawyers and court. Instead of doing that, focus on saving the marriage. Tell your wife that she can concentrate on lawyers and court if she wants, but you will be concentrating on being the best husband you can be.
Marriage is not about finding the person you will love forever, marriage is about learning to love the person you chose. You have to show your wife that you will be an easy person to love. By doing simple things you can easily show her that you are or will learn to be a great husband. I’m not saying to just give in to all demands, but going the extra mile to make sure you are doing your part certainly helps.
You need to really sit back and think about what kind of husband you are. Do you need improvement? I can tell you that I have never met anyone who didn’t need improvement so don’t worry. This doesn’t mean you are a bad husband, actually it means just the opposite. Admitting that you need improvement and trying to improve makes you the ideal husband for most women. Show your wife that you are willing to do what it takes by working on what you need to work on. Buy a book, a course, or a video about marriage and how to be a good husband. This will show your wife you are serious and are willing to work for the marriage and your lives together.
Write a list and ask your wife to do the same. Sit down and write out all the things you hate about your wife. I stress the word ‘hate’ because these should be things that you cannot stand. Don’t write down ‘do the dishes more’, write down if she had an affair, is abusive, or anything else that will seriously damage your life and your marriage. Ask her to do the same. Simply say ‘I know you want a divorce but if you don’t mind can you please write down the things that are making you come to that decision so that I don’t make the same mistakes in the future.”
Ryan Travista
http://www.articlesbase.com/divorce-articles/when-your-wife-wants-a-divorce-and-you-dont-706325.html
