Compromise to Get Him Back or Bolt?
Dr. Neder:
I’ve been dating a guy for 6 months. We were inseparable we spend loads of time together. We get along fantastic our families love each other. There is one big problem. I had to move back to the town I’m from which is where he lives. I noticed that he didn’t want me in his home when he isn’t home.
He stated that he trusted me just not used to being in a relationship seriously with someone. Says I’m his first real relationship and he doesn’t want anyone snooping through his things. (an insult at best) So when I stay over and he leaves 5 or 6 am sometimes on the weekends I have to get up and leave.
I needed to stay with him for a week before my apartment was ready and I had to wait for him to come home from work before I got indoors. Some nights I was in school so it was ok, but as you should know it took a toll on me. I finally moved into my own place.
The last straw was when I spent the night over he didn’t have to work but woke me up in the cold and rain to take him to the Laundromat. He knows he can drive my car to do something like that but he wanted me to come because of his issues. I have let this man use my car to visit his sick mom in the hospital but had to stop because of his unfairness. I feel bad but my car has nothing to do with him seeing his mom.
Anyway once I took him to the Laundromat I got so pissed at him (add the cold rain and me looking a mess early in the morning) that I left. Then I thought about it and went back to get him. He was upset and said someone else was going to pick him up. I met him at the house and asked for my things, but he ignored me. The next week I told him I just wanted my spare remote car key. He stated “I don’t understand you I’ve been working hard to give you a good x-mas and you do this!” I know its true because he always buys me gifts and already started x-mas shopping for me.
I responded that I love the gifts but my dignity and self respect means more to me. He said he’d give it to me on 12/09 his next day off. On Monday 12/8 I got a text from him saying that he can’t give me the key on the 9th it has to be the 14 because he has to work, which is crap because we’re together all the time work or no work. I suggested the mail once but I just let it go and told him whenever he’s ready is fine.
I feel so deeply for him but I feel undignified when made to leave his house it is such a big inconvenience for me. I don’t need a key and full access. I respect his privacy but I have to respect myself. I’m prepared to break up but I don’t want to.
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Hello!
I know exactly why he’s doing this.
There are a few so-called “experts” that recommend this very specific thing. He’s been listening to their “advice” and doesn’t realize that for them, it’s about entertainment – NOT practical life coaching. These entertainers (and one in particular) use this shtick to address their target markets and do so extremely well, I might add. The problem is that it’s just that: shtick. Many guys don’t get that and actually buy into it 110%.
I have to chuckle a little about this however. No offense, but let’s be absolutely realistic here: over time, if you absolutely knew that you wouldn’t be caught and especially considering your current insecurities (probably somewhat reasonable, I might add), wouldn’t you snoop a little?
Of course you would. Every woman would; so at least on that front, he’s right. My bigger concern is with his need for absolutely privacy – and his unreasonable demands to get it.
Here’s what you need to do: Sit him down and have a talk about this. Explain to him that in order for your relationship to grow (rather than decline) he’s going to have to get over this fear. Yes, you understand it and you’re not going to discuss whether it’s reasonable or not; simply that normal, healthy couples don’t have these sorts of issues between them. You want to have a normal, healthy, mature relationship and none of these expectations on his part are any of that. What that ultimately translates to is that if you and he can’t come to an understanding about this, you’re going to have to find someone else that wants the same things you do.
Remember: you’re not his counselor, you’re his girlfriend. You’re not here to make up for his past insecurities or whether his mommy hugged him too little or too much. He’s an adult now and has to deal with adult things if he wants an adult life. You can’t make him do this, but he needs to open his eyes about it and realize what he loses – and will continue to lose – if he doesn’t get this problem handled.
If he can’t do that, you’re going to need to reconsider what you want and if you can get it through this relationship.
If you might even show him this letter from an unbiased (huh?) third party if you think it’ll open his eyes a little wider.
Best regards…
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Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv.
Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
http://www.articlesbase.com/dating-articles/compromise-to-get-him-back-or-bolt-723518.html
This story? i want brutal honesty.?
It’s my first short story…so keep that in mind but still be honest. I need a title too
It’s a Friday evening at 11:34 PM and my best friend Emma is going away to camp tomorrow. What better way to celebrate our last moments together than watching October sky and eating chips… high class communication and bonding is at place here. Then, like a message from the gods urging us to stop drooling over Jake Gyllenhaal and to do something worth while for once, the power violently shuts off. Alone in the blackness with nothing but irritating, deafening thunder in the background and the occasional flash of white lightning, Emma says suddenly “Let’s go for a walk.” At first it seems simply outrageous to be two 15 year old girls, walking around near midnight to god knows where during a raging electrical storm. But Emma’s the kind of friend who you just don’t disagree with; she will find a way to do what she wants at any costs. So as I’m unwillingly sneaking out the back door and following her down the street, I’m still thinking to myself how utterly ridiculous this is. Then as fast as my doubts hit me, we both spontaneously break out into skipping and twirling for no reason at all. Who knows how long we were there or where we paraded off to, spinning and prancing around like a couple of immature fools, but we just didn’t care. We were drenched head to foot, our clothes probably ruined for life and 3 hours of hair care gone completely to waste. But we loved every second of it! We were no longer 15 year old girls living in 2008, but 6 year old children living in1998 again. In the middle of my basking in the water, all of a sudden a sharp pain smacks my arm. “OW!” I shriek, enraged at the disruption to my momentary bliss. “En garde!” She screams and tosses me a twig. Still irritated at the interruption, I am in no mood to hit my best friend with a twig with all the neighbors watching like hawks through their windows mocking our stupidity; I’d much rather continue on with my aimless childish dancing. But her constant strikes to my body leave me no choice; I fight back. We’re no longer 6 year old children in 1998, but we’re now courageous warriors fighting in the battle with King Arthur. After a while of our bloody and tragic battle, it hits me like a blazing lightning bolt. Her parents still don’t know we’re gone! How long have we been out here anyway? We immediately dart back to her house, wherever that is… and lucky enough we come upon it. Just as we’re bolting it towards the front door, her furious father storms out with possibly more rage than the storm that’s practically consuming our little town. “GET OUT OF THE STREET BEFORE YOU GET STRUCK BY LIGHTNING!” Well, Emma being the stubborn little dynamo she is, she naturally gets in a 10 minute debate about it and comes to a compromise that we can stay out as long as we’re in the driveway. So with our swords abandoned back at the battlefield, we return to our twirling. It’s as if the rain is washing away years of our life with the more drenched we get, and we’re just innocent children again. In a wave of exhaustion after probably about an hour of dancing, we collapse on the pavement. Lying under the stars with the rain showering down on us, it’s as if we’re mermaids at the bottom of the sea lying in soft, luxurious sand. We close our eyes, observing the marine life that inhabits our new home. We live in a murky cave packed with dazzling green, blue and purple sea weed, the cave lighted by lantern fish which we keep as pets. We sway our arms in the shadowy depths of the ocean, breathing through the water and singing “part of your world” all at once. Then out of nowhere comes a massive 50 foot ferocious shark! It swims up, flashes a fuming look, opens its enormous mouth ready to devour us both in one gulp and screeches, “It’s time for Emily to go home!” Awoken, revitalized and disappointed, we slowly step onto the porch with our feet rather than fins, and with each step rise closer up to the surface of the sea and return to earth, where we are not children, warriors, or mermaids, but just humans. Boring, ordinary, and pathetic humans, living our boring, ordinary, and pathetic lives.
just because the stars aren’t showing doesn’t mean they’re not there smart one.
i said "lying beneath the stars" ….i didn’t say we could see them
gawlll
to lazy to read all of that….sorry
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haha honestly its too f##king long!
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You cant see the stars whilst in the middle of a storm.
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That’s a looooong story, not a short one
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Fantasical Reality? for a title… I think that part of it should really be your own. I think it is really well written. I mean, it needs a little cleaning up but I am sure you realized that and that this probably isn’t your final draft.
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i enjoyed reading your story honstly i like it
good job that realy wasnt bad
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that story is totally awesome
i still rrun around in my bikini in a storm in the park behind my house
even though i am a full grown babe the little jenny in me relishes in such fun
celebrate your youth it will give you a special spirit that nourishes your soul
you captured the spirit of happiness
dont lose it
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the little girl inside of me little jenny
Woa! I enjoyed it!
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